Expressing

Dancing has always been my first love. Since my kinder days, I was always involved with programs that included body movements. Performing arts centre was my second home. (School is out (though it’s inside school)!) The thing that came next, and now the number 1 is writing. You see, I’m not one of those superbly verbose, literate and smart writers. Presently, I write short stories and my emotional state. Writing is hard. I both love it and struggle in it, but I know that I cannot stop looking for my writing style. I know that someday, I’d perfect a writing piece. I cannot hope for the best now but I can work on it.

Any writers around? Talk to me! 🙂

The Stripping World

Unlike the cleanest people in the planet, I never get grossed out by strip clubs.

Though in a dark alley where really filthy stripping stuff happens, I never felt like a strip club (generally) is where non-decent people go.

When people think of something to do before they die, usually it’s climb the Mt. Everest or go to the city of gods and be gods too. I had a ‘to work in a strip club’ section in my bucket list. No, I don’t want to be a stripper. I just want a job there.

As a part of my exploratory experience, I tried applying for one that’s an hour away from where I live. Before the interview, I cleared up to myself that it will just be a try (it’s scary to get home at 3 in the morning especially for someone who is 19 and still doesn’t have her license). If anything follows, why yes.. why not.

And there went my interview. Terrified of everyone, I sat down very quietly in the corner waiting for the manager. Puzzled on the situation, I approached the table where the strippers sit and wait for people. Still terrified, I asked (very politely) who to see or where to wait. The lady who I assume to be one of the strippers, as well, very politely responded with “Oh, you just have to sit thee and they’ll pick you up. *smiles*.” I saw the other lady smiled too.

Then they came. There were two of them and I just have to emphasise how nice and cheerful they were to me.

Unlike the other interviews that I’ve had and failed, this one feels different. There were no fake shows like “we are a team growing together” or “when we go home, we become a better person because of what we are in this workplace.” There was no bullshit like that in a strip club interview.

So they welcomed me, asked me stuff like what I do in life and why I chose to apply. Very proudly and gracefully, I told them my fondness of delving to what feels like uncommon to many people because life is too great to not make something different and a few lies. Straight after, the manager told me what the hostess and receptionists do and how the strip area works. The money that comes in, lap dances, etc..

And then the most exciting bit….

I went to the floor where strippers put make up on, fix their hairs and wear lingeries. That exact moment seemed like a scene in the movie where the main character sees a whole new different world and she smiles thinking it’s a much better place to dwell in. Yes, it was one of the most fantastic encounters – me and the strip club room. There were some strippers who were busy but still welcomed me as if I work there. Someone even reached for my hair and said, “Wow, you’re hair is so long.” Her, touching my hair was majestic. Strippers are a bunch of welcoming and nice people. Here and there, I saw smiles.

I exited the place and talked to the front receptionist. She didn’t do any stripping and she wished me luck and hoped to be seeing me working there.

That was the first best interview that I’ve had.

Return: Interviews and Stuff

After the long internet breakdown, I’m finally back to tell some stories!

I dread the day of my first ever official job interview. The experiences and interviews that I’ve had before were no nerve-wrecking because I was under 18. Being under that range of 18+ feels like the real thing.

The morning of tat day, I woke up very early and turned up the volume of the music on my earphones thinking that it would pump up the day and set my mood right. I jogged and walked for 45 mins. like I usually do. After, I came home, had 10-min. rest and prepared myself.

CRAP, I’M GONNA BE LATE. I thought. I calculated the time and still had that idea in mind.
Despite my 2-hour preparation, I still managed to fail punctuality.
I was 2 minutes late but it was unnoticed because the session hasn’t started yet and everyone’s still being friendly.

I sat down with the other applicants whom I felt so terrified of because of their prepared looks. Ohhh, and I even forgot to brush the last portion of my hair. What else? I wore funnily-matched clothes and my cardigan didn’t fit the colour of my top. Now, I’m just gonna assume that the fashionista guy in that interview was judging me to the bones.

As the group interview went, I vibe everyone as very enthusiastic and knowledgeable. I, on the contrary, was like a silenced radio — to talkative in many instances, quiet in this one. I did show the interest and enthusiasm but the others were just too overpowering. But one thing that I couldn’t deny was that they’re a bunch of friend human beings.

At the end of it, I already set my mind and expectations. I’m not gonna get this job. Naturally, I’m a pessimist but I based this conclusion on what I saw in my performance.

Well, better luck and cool next time.

Things I Am Looking Forward To (Myself Edition)

1. A year of less depressing and anxious feelings
2013 has been filled with ups and downs – just like the other years but this one was more intense. It was the year when I felt like giving up the plans that I have made, the wishes I was working hard for and the experiences that I was hoping to go into. At the last bit of my giving up stage, I had a held of something that pushed me away from feeling less of myself, something that pulled me back to being the person who should keep going.
2013 was the year when I was placed in the terrible place of depression and anxiety, a place where dissatisfaction was both my friend and enemy, and what felt like only myself, my bed and my corner is the sanctuary.
To this new beginning, I let go of the stress, worry and insecurity that kept me from seeing the light from far beyond.

2. Let go of fear
“If you wanna be a bender, you have to let go of fear.” as said by the last airbender, Aang. Fear is also something that keeps me away from giving out the best inside me. The fear of being judged, the fear of the unknown.
I don’t wanna be that person again. Someone who backs off because of being terrified by something. It’s time to give things a try and pursue the better.

3. Stop apologising
It is my common ill to say ‘sorry.’ Literally, I’ll stop apologising. Figuratively, I will stop too. I will quit being sorry for my attributes that don’t pass the criteria of the media. But also, I will never forget to know my limit. For the events that I have committed mistakes or caused a disrespectful action, I will definitely take responsibility and say sorry.

4. Actually stick to the schedule
I don’t want my day to feel like a routine or my entire life to be a game plan but I guess, to things that are really important, I have to mark the calendar and set my things straight by doing a schedule. This not-following-the-schedule problem has been going on for a few years now. Change will be on top of the list.

5. Write! Write! Write!
I wish to write and be heard someday. Might as well practice as early as now.

Happy 2014!

First Months

Though I’m really excited to start the uni life next year, I feel like after everything (preposterously enough), I’ll still be that person who puts shit jargon inside sentences just so it will sound better.

No, I don’t want to write a book. I do, however, want to tell, share and create stories. Well, in essence, a semi-book but different because it’s not 100+ pages and compiled. Okay. I want something like a published blog; maybe a nicely done piece for an advertising agency pitch, or a regular script for a TV show, OR if lucky, a normal job at Al Jazeera.

I have never been to my first day but I had this instinct that my choices will either change immensely or not change at all when I reach the third  or fifth month. Either I’ll find it extremely hard and boring or I’ll force myself to work on it because I wanna keep going and it feels like I’m getting somewhere with what I’m doing.

I hope I enjoy the first three or five months.

Teeny

Whilst everyone already knows what they will be in 10 years time and have already planned ahead, I’m still stuck here, having that moment thinking  what I really want to be. Wait, didn’t I tell in my past post about not rushing things? I KNOW. But then again, I have this silly impression in life that at this stage, I should already have a definite direction.

I am the shittiest (if that’s a word).

I try not to think of it as much but the more I feel like forgetting it, the more I stress about not being the person I wish to be – the semi-rich and the purposeful. The more I think about a long-term future job, the more I seek for other paths. The more I feel like I should do something, the more I realise that I will just waste it because I love other different things.
What am I gonna be in 3-5 years? Whatever it is, it scares me.

I’ll be 19 in a few months. I know. Such ridiculous issue. I have many of them.