Return: Interviews and Stuff

After the long internet breakdown, I’m finally back to tell some stories!

I dread the day of my first ever official job interview. The experiences and interviews that I’ve had before were no nerve-wrecking because I was under 18. Being under that range of 18+ feels like the real thing.

The morning of tat day, I woke up very early and turned up the volume of the music on my earphones thinking that it would pump up the day and set my mood right. I jogged and walked for 45 mins. like I usually do. After, I came home, had 10-min. rest and prepared myself.

CRAP, I’M GONNA BE LATE. I thought. I calculated the time and still had that idea in mind.
Despite my 2-hour preparation, I still managed to fail punctuality.
I was 2 minutes late but it was unnoticed because the session hasn’t started yet and everyone’s still being friendly.

I sat down with the other applicants whom I felt so terrified of because of their prepared looks. Ohhh, and I even forgot to brush the last portion of my hair. What else? I wore funnily-matched clothes and my cardigan didn’t fit the colour of my top. Now, I’m just gonna assume that the fashionista guy in that interview was judging me to the bones.

As the group interview went, I vibe everyone as very enthusiastic and knowledgeable. I, on the contrary, was like a silenced radio — to talkative in many instances, quiet in this one. I did show the interest and enthusiasm but the others were just too overpowering. But one thing that I couldn’t deny was that they’re a bunch of friend human beings.

At the end of it, I already set my mind and expectations. I’m not gonna get this job. Naturally, I’m a pessimist but I based this conclusion on what I saw in my performance.

Well, better luck and cool next time.

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Things I Am Looking Forward To (Myself Edition)

1. A year of less depressing and anxious feelings
2013 has been filled with ups and downs – just like the other years but this one was more intense. It was the year when I felt like giving up the plans that I have made, the wishes I was working hard for and the experiences that I was hoping to go into. At the last bit of my giving up stage, I had a held of something that pushed me away from feeling less of myself, something that pulled me back to being the person who should keep going.
2013 was the year when I was placed in the terrible place of depression and anxiety, a place where dissatisfaction was both my friend and enemy, and what felt like only myself, my bed and my corner is the sanctuary.
To this new beginning, I let go of the stress, worry and insecurity that kept me from seeing the light from far beyond.

2. Let go of fear
“If you wanna be a bender, you have to let go of fear.” as said by the last airbender, Aang. Fear is also something that keeps me away from giving out the best inside me. The fear of being judged, the fear of the unknown.
I don’t wanna be that person again. Someone who backs off because of being terrified by something. It’s time to give things a try and pursue the better.

3. Stop apologising
It is my common ill to say ‘sorry.’ Literally, I’ll stop apologising. Figuratively, I will stop too. I will quit being sorry for my attributes that don’t pass the criteria of the media. But also, I will never forget to know my limit. For the events that I have committed mistakes or caused a disrespectful action, I will definitely take responsibility and say sorry.

4. Actually stick to the schedule
I don’t want my day to feel like a routine or my entire life to be a game plan but I guess, to things that are really important, I have to mark the calendar and set my things straight by doing a schedule. This not-following-the-schedule problem has been going on for a few years now. Change will be on top of the list.

5. Write! Write! Write!
I wish to write and be heard someday. Might as well practice as early as now.

Happy 2014!

A Boy

My brother and I were never too close. We either like the same subject, talk like normal siblings or just feel like regular people interacting with each other. Though I wish that we were closer, I realised that he is after all, a boy who needs to learn by himself and cope up with the phase he is going through. And no matter how closely related we are, I have to admit that it was my mistake to think that we don’t have to share any boundaries at all.

 Basically, our day goes with morning stares before he goes to school and afternoon smiles as soon as he gets home. Sometimes, we piss off each other but the angriest person always happens to be me. He won’t mind me. Even a single stare, he won’t give. That’s how numb he could get whenever we’re inside a certain rare fight.

 During holidays, us three bond together by watching movies, fooling around or making an unstructured blanket fort.

 It does sound like a great relationship but to me, it felt like it wasn’t. I was too consumed by the fact that I should be the boss for his words and emotions.

I wish he would tell us what he’s up to. I wish he would not wait for us to ask if he needs help for his assignments. I wish he had told us (rumour has it) that he friendzoned a girl named Chloe. I wish he would confide about his 13-year-old male dilemmas.

He never does.

 

What basically happens for the rest of his day feels like a routine: he would look at his school stuff and then hop on to his XBOX and play with his virtual friends from different parts of the world. He made a friend from Fiji whom, thankfully, he tells stories about. Unlike my younger sister, he doesn’t usually start a “you know what..” or “what happened to your…” conversation. At times, he would tell us stories but it never felt enough for me.

 

Only after a decade and a couple of years have I understood that his feelings, as I think of mine as well, is his own and should not be compromised by anyone. I’ve gone far too much in hoarding his emotional and social state. Maybe this isn’t a male-female difference but a person-person choice.

 

He’s probably growing up and I couldn’t be any happier seeing him see things from a perspective.

 After 13 years, I fully understood that having a brother could feel different different but is actually quite a privilege.

First Months

Though I’m really excited to start the uni life next year, I feel like after everything (preposterously enough), I’ll still be that person who puts shit jargon inside sentences just so it will sound better.

No, I don’t want to write a book. I do, however, want to tell, share and create stories. Well, in essence, a semi-book but different because it’s not 100+ pages and compiled. Okay. I want something like a published blog; maybe a nicely done piece for an advertising agency pitch, or a regular script for a TV show, OR if lucky, a normal job at Al Jazeera.

I have never been to my first day but I had this instinct that my choices will either change immensely or not change at all when I reach the third  or fifth month. Either I’ll find it extremely hard and boring or I’ll force myself to work on it because I wanna keep going and it feels like I’m getting somewhere with what I’m doing.

I hope I enjoy the first three or five months.

Teeny

Whilst everyone already knows what they will be in 10 years time and have already planned ahead, I’m still stuck here, having that moment thinking  what I really want to be. Wait, didn’t I tell in my past post about not rushing things? I KNOW. But then again, I have this silly impression in life that at this stage, I should already have a definite direction.

I am the shittiest (if that’s a word).

I try not to think of it as much but the more I feel like forgetting it, the more I stress about not being the person I wish to be – the semi-rich and the purposeful. The more I think about a long-term future job, the more I seek for other paths. The more I feel like I should do something, the more I realise that I will just waste it because I love other different things.
What am I gonna be in 3-5 years? Whatever it is, it scares me.

I’ll be 19 in a few months. I know. Such ridiculous issue. I have many of them.

Black and White

The Daily Prompt today asks us bloggers to tell about our favourite character whom we want to have a heart-to-heart talk.
My first reaction was: Oh boy, why this question?
I thought of saving this topic for another time but if I do, I’d probably have a hundred of people in my head.

So in a very abrupt and unrehearsed way, I would go for the good old Atticus Finch.
You know that guy who apparently crossed a social taboo for being his own superhero? That creation of Harper Lee from the 1930’s? That’s him.

Well, I could’ve talked about my favourite women; Skyler White and Hannah Horvath. If I do though, I might need another day to consolidate my ideas and write it coherently. I also thought of Piper Chapman and have all the random thoughts I have on her and just the whole Orange is the New Black. HANNA from the movie of the same title is one heck of a badass assassin. CAPTAIN MARVEL, the lady who broke it for all the dudes in the world of Marvel because hello, women could also be superhero. But I won’t have much questions to ask her.

Let me give you a brief story.
Back in the 30’s, prejudice is a major issue particularly between the black and the white. See, justice during that time was pretty one-sided considering that racism was prominent. Atticus Finch, a lawyer of the best kind, protected and defended Tom Robinson, an African American who was accused of raping a white girl, Mayella Ewell. Despite the fact that Atticus’ action was a total disgrace, he continued to disregard the mass and fight for what he thought was right.

When I have the chance to talk to him face to face, I’d probably ask for tips. I’d tell/ask him…

  • You were an insurgent for all the good reasons that time. How hard was it to oppose the mainstream?
  • I feel like I want to be a lawyer. Or maybe not. BUT I’m a big fan of equality. You’re my idol. (This is just a fangirl statement.)
  • Why do you think there was a line between black and white? I mean.. I know they were sold and bought as slaves but aren’t we all a slave in our own ways to begin with? Does ignorance relate to this?
  • Your thoughts on diversity?
  • Do you think justice from back then up to now improved? In what ways?
  • LOGIC OR EMOTIONS. I always have that heart vs. head dilemma. What’s your side?

That’s probably just 10% of it.
By the way, how stupid were/are the cults condemning specific subclass in the society? Right?

I’ve learned a lot from this guy. He deserves a statue or maybe a place should be named after him.

Complete Opposite

Months ago, I was a high school student who played it cool yet got almost deranged because of the amount of work I have to finish. We were all on that stage.

I might’ve took that to the next level. My sleeping pattern got really loopy. Bedtime around 1AM to 3AM, wake up at 7 to prepare for school. To not fix my mental schedule was seriously one of the worst actions of my life.

Procrastination. AHA!

TIP: MAKE A SCHEDULE AND FOLLOW IT!

Recently, I planned to twist things. Luckily, I have a super flexible schedule for my lectures.
I couldn’t go exercising during the middle of the day because I’ve got assignments to work on. Couldn’t work out at night because that’s when I become so mentally active, I think of the most important things that I have to work on for tomorrow. Mainly though, I can’t go exercising in the middle or end of the day because I don’t really wanna enter a gym. So I thought, why not go for the good old way? Running in the morning.
I wake up early nowadays. 5- 6 in the morning, you’ll see me preparing or eating my cereal.

It feels like running in the morning is an essential part of a good lifestyle. I get to be healthy (along with moderation in everything), and I get to start the day very lively.

So why don’t ya?